What a Terrible Night to Have a Fan Fiction
by What'sAPen
Summary: 'Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines' if the writers were out of their minds and also twelve. No direct parodies intended, this story is bad on its own merits.  Rated T for Terrible.
1. Prologue

So he was kind of pale.

I didn't mind, though. I'd been with thousands of guys (not that kind of girl, mind), but this one was special. Usually they had been completely mesmerised by my incredible beauty and vast intellect, to the point where they would be swaying and barely able to stand. Coincidentally, they had also always been drinking pretty heavily, and would usually refer to me as "that girl". When they recognised me, and everyone did, they'd usually seem a bit disappointed, because they'd think that I were way out of their league. But of course they couldn't restrain themselves from shooting for the stars, and when you heard that familiar, _"eh, want to go to my car?"_, you knew that magic was in the air.

But where was I? Oh, yes.

This guy. I had been trying to find my way home after a romantic evening in a moonlit alley when I met him. He had told me that I had the most beautiful neck he had ever seen. Minutes later we were at his apartment. A night of wild, unbridled passion followed, I had never felt the way I did that night. I felt light, as if my whole body had been hollowed out, or emptied. A bit drained, too; it had been a very long night.

Sadly, we were not awakened by the sweet melodies of the birds and the other cute wildlife like in the films (there were a couple of animals in the apartment, but I wouldn't call them cute), but by assassins! Normally, of course, I would have fought them off, but I was still feeling light-headed after making sweet love and, as I would later find out, losing quite a lot of blood, so they managed to overpower us, and one of them drove a stake through my poor, lovestruck heart.

Of course, it would have taken far more than that to kill me, and when I came to my senses, I was on the theatre stage. I knew right away that it was no dream, because the rows were not filled with legions of adoring fans, but a handful of spectators watching the proceedings which I had been made a part of with an air of quiet disapproval.

"_My fellow kindred."_


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

The man in the suit entered. Probably some kind of businessman who had been admiring me from afar, behind the tinted windows of his limousine, who had finally decided to break the bonds of the restrictive class system to be with me, his beloved. It was fairly common. In tow he had some sort of bipedal gorilla with... was that a sword?

The behemoth was, indeed, carrying a sword on its back, a stupidly huge one at that, as tall as a person. It seemed as if it would be more at home in a cartoon. Come to think of it, a lot of the people in the theatre would.

"_My apologies for disrupting any business, or interfering with prior engagements you may have had this evening."_

He had certainly interfered with _my_ prior engagements. The curse of being universally loved and desired, I supposed.

"_It's unfortunate that the affair that gathers us together tonight is a troubling one. We are here because the laws that bind our society, the laws that are the fabric of our existence, have been broken."_

I was puzzled. This did not seem like any declaration of love I had ever heard before. It almost seemed like this situation was not about me at all! It was a strange and alien sensation, and I didn't care for it. Hopefully they would notice me soon, so we could all go back to talking about me.

"_As prince, I am within my rights to grant or deny the kindred of this city the privilege of siring. Many of you have come to me seeking permission, and I have endorsed some of these requests."_

At this point I had mostly stopped paying attention, it was getting a bit too weird for me. Something about a judicator and a code; I had neither the attention span nor the vocabulary for this sort of thing. Shortly after, however, my mind was forcefully brought back to the scene as the big guy actually cut the head off my beloved! This was wonderful, now my backstory would be even more dramatically tragic; I couldn't wait to tell absolutely everyone at the very first possible moment! However, it seemed my new, rich lover wasn't done talking yet. He was still using a lot of strange words, perhaps he was European, and my mind was trailing off again until...

"_This is bullshit!"_

Oh my God, a _rebel! _From the rows rose my new prince; he had kind of a weird moustache thing going on, but oh, he was so _muscular!_ I wasn't even sure which of the two guys I would allow to shower me with praise and adoration. Maybe I could have them both? Oh, or better yet, they could fight to the death over me! Sadly, my new rugged vigilante boyfriend soon stormed out of the theatre in a jealous rage over something my handsome, wealthy lover said. I'm not sure what, I wasn't paying attention.

The play ended, and Money Man brought me with him. He started using those big, fancy, European words again, so I didn't understand much of what he said, but it was _very_ romantic! I assumed he was taking me to his limousine, and I was just getting ready to take my clothes off when he led me to... an alley. I'll admit, I was fairly used to that, but I was expecting better from this one! Worst of all, he accidentally locked the door behind me, and couldn't join me. As I started pounding on the door, calling for him to come play with my raven locks and my very curvaceous and very round body, I was addressed by a guy who looked more like my usual lovers.

"_Hey, kiddo, calm down. What's your name?"_

"_I am Marie Susan Draculette. Are you going to be my boyfriend, too?"_


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

The furry man looked perplexed, disoriented, like an innocent peasant boy who had come across a beautiful princess. He also looked a bit like a shaggy dog.

"_Uh... what?"_

"_My boyfriend. All men want to be my boyfriends: the pizza guy, the postman, the handsome guys on television who also try to sell me things, being the very avatar of beauty and grace on earth is bound to command attention! Also, these help."_

I gave the pair a bit of a bounce and a swing-around for emphasis, finishing off with a little drumming piece. Generally the old 'dance of the twin elephants' makes people agree, or at least shuts them up. This guy just burst into laughter.

"_Ha ha, wow, a Malkavian! You're even more fucked than I'd imagined! Listen, I'm Jack, how about I help you out by telling you what's up?"_

My hypnosis having failed, I took him up on his offer:

"_You smell like a documentary on scarabs."_

"_Right, right. Anyway, figured someone should at least let you in on the basics. Have you even had a drink?"_

"_I don't have time to indulge your romantic advances by going for a drink! Besides, I don't touch the stuff, I'm a pure girl. Well, apart from beer, hard liquor, cheap wine and various other things of questionable fitness for human consumption. Besides, my beloved, um... oh dear, didn't catch his name... my beloved person will be out here at any moment!"_

At this point the shaved bear was starting to look around for heavy blunt instruments, but failing that, he cut me off.

"_Look, just shut up, I'll make it quick. You're a vampire, you drink blood now. Don't tell anyone. Now I'm out of here before my head explodes. A cab will pick you up for Prince-Boy's job."_

With that, he actually crashed through a fence, cursing and swearing as he hurried to get away from here. I barely noticed, though; my mind was elsewhere.

A vampire. I was a vampire. The dream had finally come true!

With near-supersonic speed I whipped out the make-up kit, and plastered on as much black eyeliner and -shadow as possible without actually making it hard to blink, and deep onyx lipstick to reflect the dark shadows in my very soul that I discovered about twenty seconds prior, wracking my frail, innocent corpus, or should I say _corpse, _with their cruel, edgy and really, really cool corruption!

This was the best thing. Ever.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

It turned out that the taxi was not taking me to my vampire castle, instead I was dropped off and directed to some filthy apartment. There wasn't even a coffin!

There was no time to complain about that, though, as I had been given a quest by my beloved: to find mercury. Since I had a degree in chemistry, which I acquired along with all my other scholarly degrees when I not only hacked my school's servers, but then used my powers to write my own diplomata _and printed them out myself,_ I knew that mercury was another word for quicksilver. I might have heard that in a film, too, I think. At any rate, I assumed that my new vampire friends needed the quicksilver so they could use it against the werewolves, so I knew how important my mission was.

First, however, I had an even more important mission. I dashed to the computer to e-mail every single person I know, so that I could gloat about my new, fantastic powers. Before I could do that, though, above the digital avalanche of profile updates and notifications from my blog, there was a message from mercury itself, telling me that it lived at 24 Main Street, and that I should come on over.

However, things were not as they seemed. Using my smartness, I quickly realised that this was an elaborate trap! My first clue was that whoever wrote this had misspelled "mercury" as "Mercurio". Secondly, mercury is not a person, it is an element. It could not get a job, and thus would be unable to afford a house. The author of this message was just pretending to be mercury, and this message was supposed to lure me to that address, possibly for some sort of surprise vampire party! I set off for 24 Main Street immediately.

I left the apartment and made my way to the place. Before I got there, I saw a man dragging himself up the steps to the door, leaving a trail of blood as he forced himself into the house. I assumed he was the vampire equivalent of a cake, and one of the guests got greedy and couldn't help having a taste before the party started. Silly vampires.

I got to the entrance, and prepared to pretend to be surprised when they would all start cheering at me. However, when I entered, there was no one, just a trail of cake blood. I followed it, and it led me to a room where the injured man was squirming in agony and bleeding profusely. I wondered where the guests were hiding, but then the man started talking.

"_Those mothers... ripped me off... I'm dying here!"_

"_Are you the cake man?"_

"_Ah, shit, you're Malkavian, aren't you? Damn, that's the last thing I need. I'm bleeding all over the carpet, and I can't even understand what the hell you're saying."_

For some reason, they were continuing to hide the party. I decided to play along with their little game, to see where they were going with this.

"_I am looking for mercury"._

"_Mercurio, yeah, that's me. Ah, shit, the astrolite! Listen, it ain't here, it's gone. Those junkie pricks jumped me at the drop and took the money and the astrolite for themselves! You've got to get it back; they live in a dump on the beach, go through the parking garage and it's on the right. And please, don't tell anyone about this!"_

Suddenly, it all made sense.

There had been a change of plans, and the party was by the beach instead. Strange that they had left the cake here, though. Not wanting to let on that I knew about their surprise, as that would disappoint them, I subtly excused myself.

"_Well, then, I shall go to this completely ordinary beach house where nothing interesting could at all happen. And if something interesting did happen, it certainly would not be a surprise vampire party; that would be very unexpected indeed. In fact, if there happened to be a surprise party there, I would most certainly consider myself thoroughly surprised, and my expectations would be proved very wrong indeed!"_

The man looked as if he had witnessed a confused puzzle in a purple and yellow-spotted dress give birth to a question mark, which had proceeded to hit him in the face with a mallet.

"_Goodbye, mercury! I know radon has more protons than you, but you will always be my favourite element!"_

With that, I left for the beach house.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

In hindsight, it was not a very good party. Probably the fourth or third to worst I have ever attended. It started out really well, though, the doorman was... well, it wasn't really a door, it was more of a rickety fence, but he was all muscular, standing there smoking with his shirt off. Usually, men I knew weren't smoking in a state of undress until at least ten minutes after I had met them. Anyway, I obviously went up and introduced myself.

"_Is this where the party... I mean, is this where the astrolite is?"_

"_What? How do you know about that? Who the hell are you?"_

"_Mercury sent me."_

The guy flashed a cute, boyish smile, clearly won over by my irresistible charm and classic good looks. Or it might have been a wicked, malicious grin, I was never very good at interpreting things like that, so I always just assumed the former.

"_Come right in, then."_

He pushed open the small gate, and he followed me as I entered the house. And of course, as usual for a person of my calibre, every head in the building turned to look at me.

"_Who's the broad?"_

Granted, I have had friendlier greetings, but I think they were just nervous. It's not every day you get to see someone like me.

"_Mercury sent me. I am here to pick up the astrolite."_

Quickly, everyone rose, and they started to surround me. It was a great big circle of admiration.

"_He's got a lot of nerve sending you here. You'd better be carrying a lot of money if you want to make it out of here alive, bitch."_

At this point, I realised that this was no cake trap, but a regular slow-and-agonising-death trap! How little they knew of my amazing powers. I decided to give them a chance to be spared my wrath by scaring them off with a terrifying, yet poetic, battle cry:

"_I am Marie Susan Draculette, and I hope you brought nutcrackers, because I'm going to... wait, no, hold on..."_

Before I could finish my snappy one-liner, their leader had drawn, and I was staring down the barrel of a gun. Unlike Bond films, though, there wasn't a tiny man at the other end, just darkness and a bullet. A bullet that wanted to introduce itself, and did, as he pulled the trigger.

The bullet drilled its way through flesh and bone into the skull, and I fell to the floor.

There I was. Lying on the floor of some dirty, ramshackle old beach house; my face, which once astounded the world with its perfect beauty and excellent fancy, was now leaking blood, soaking my hair and clothes and the creaking floorboards. Only an act of God or poor writing could save me now...

Suddenly, the wound started to repair itself, practically spitting out the bullet as the hole closed. I leapt to my feet, pausing for a split second to take an awesome pose before I leapt on the first of the horrified junkies with relentless fury. It was a slaughter. I completely forgot that a vampire was supposed to drink the blood of its victims, so busy was I in shedding it and spraying it all over the walls. I will tolerate many things, but messing up my make-up with blood and bullet-holes was not among them.

After the battle, I stepped over a pile of hands and found a small side room, wherein I found a container with _'astrolite' _hastily written on the side. As I was struggling to drag it back to the house of mercury or Mercurio (I wasn't quite sure what was going on at this point, but at least that guy wasn't in any condition to try to kill me, so I decided to trust him), I wondered what had happened in the old beach house.

Then it hit me.

I had heard some of the other vampires refer to each other as things like "Ventrue" and "Toreador" and, in my case, "Malkavian", and other strange terms. I assumed these were different types or castes of vampires, and that I, too, would belong to one such. I was no Ventrue, though, nor was I Toreador or Malkavian.

I was a Vampire Protagonist.

And the power which I wield is greater than any other: the power of plot convenience.

This vampire world would be mine.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Since I had had my revelation, it had become clear that there needed to be some very new rules in this place, to accommodate my important role in this vampire stuff. As I brought back the astrolite to Mercurio, he told me that I had to take it to some warehouse of which he didn't even know the location. Obviously, that would not do at all.

"_Listen up, Cripple-boy, you had better find me a better story to star in, and fast. Something glamorous with at least seven love interests."_

"_Wh... what? But these are Lacroix' orders."_

"_Oh, yes, my pining lover, that sounds much better. Where can I find him?"_

He gave me directions, and I took a taxi to Lacroix' tower downtown. This story was clearly lacking in hot, spicy love scenes, and I would give it more than it could handle.

I strode into the building past the curious security guy; normally I would have stopped for the strip-search, but this guy looked like he would rather strip the wrapping off a hamburger, and besides, I was on a mission. I took the lift to the top floor, as that was the only appropriate floor for a man worthy of me. Sure enough, there he was, though the welcome was not as affectionate as one would have expected.

"_You? What are you doing here? You were not to return until you had finished your mission!"_

Obviously, he was just playing hard-to-get.

"_I have a much more fun mission now, honey, and it's just for the two of us. And, uh, maybe the big guy, but I'd honestly prefer it if he waited outside."_

I put on my most suave face, not quite sure if what I said made any sense. Lacroix' expression of pure, unbridled puzzlement did little to alleviate my concern.

"_What on earth are you talking about? Bah, actually, never mind that, I have a much more important task, and no free operatives to carry it out. A ship has anchored off the coast, the Elizabeth Dane, and it is carrying a very important item: the Ankaran Sarcophagus. I need you to investigate."_

A sarcophagus. I came for hot vampire action, and now I am being sent off to do aquatic archaeology.

I couldn't understand it. I was the sexiest vampire alive, ready to kick ass and seduce both man and beast in my erotic adventures of the night. But my fights weren't as cool as they should be, my partners weren't as enthusiastic as one would expect. But then I realised it. It wasn't my enchanting raven hair, it was as shiny and sticky as ever. It wasn't the fault of my hot body, it was as big and beautiful as ever. My chest real estate wasn't to blame, it was as floppy as ever.

It was the writer [?]

But I knew what to do with uncooperative writers [!]

And once I had taken care of him, this story would go by _my_ rules! [!]

…

…

…

fuck


	7. Chapter Whee!

**CHAPTER SIX: THE BEST CHAPTER**

So now I am writing this myself and it's like a diary, so hi diary!

How have you been? I've been good. My BF Sebby (Author's note*: So hot! luv him!) said that his sarcophagus had been stolen by a ship, but I suggested that maybe he had left it in the car and of course I was right because I am a writer now. It's being moved to the top floor office right now.

I also had visits from _all _my other boyfriends, who, until I can think of some better ones (thinking is good, but you shouldn't do it too much, or you won't be pretty, mum said) are simply every male who has appeared in the story so far. It was so romantic, the first one came (I usually refer to them by number, it's far easier, and they are all alike at any rate), and he said, _"Marie! I am madly in love with you! Let us make love right here on this desk!"_, and I said, _"But number one, I can't! But okay!"_, and so we did it and it was great, but then the second one arrived, and said, _"Marie! I am madly in love with you! How could you do this to me?"_. He then started to cry, because all of my boyfriends are very sensitive but very sexy and love me very, very much. But I said, _"Number two! I love you, but I also love number one! You will now become bisexual so you can take part in our hot love scene." _So he did. This happened some half a dozen times more, and it was very deep and touching and there was deep touching.

Finally, though, the sarcophagus had been brought to the office. Sebby, who now goes by "number five", had of course fallen so deeply in love with me that he had forgotten all his ambitions and plans for it, so it came to me to open it. To make it more exciting, I decided not to 'write' what was in it, and would instead open it to find out what kind of treasure the dumb, stupid author guy had intended it to contain.

Whatever it is, it will be mine! I have it in my hands! And not only that, I have the city of Los Angeles in my hands, too! All that is left is to open the sarcophagus...

"_Now, my precious treasure... who are you?"_

*That's me!


End file.
